


The way it goes.

by 3BeesAndCoffee3



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: <3, Almost smut, Body Image, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cuddling, Food Issues, Kissing, M/M, One Shot, Protective Steve, Retired Bucky Barnes, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Steve is still Cap, Understanding steve rogers, Weight Issues, bad body image, might be kinda triggering, so please be careful, steve loves bucky a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 06:12:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3BeesAndCoffee3/pseuds/3BeesAndCoffee3
Summary: Bucky's retired. he's done dressing up and fighting, and that's fine. He's happy with his life, but while Steve is still in pristine condition, mentally and physically, Bucky's gone a little soft.please, heed the tags if you're sensitive to food/body issues!





	The way it goes.

**Author's Note:**

> totally wrote this for myself to try and help myself deal with my own eating issues and thought, hell, I'll post it and maybe it'll help someone else, or at least enjoy it, so enjoy!
> 
> Find me on tumblr [Here](https://hey-kids-want-some-avengers.tumblr.com/)

Bucky is, by pretty much all senses of the word, retired. Steve still runs around with the rest of the Avengers, shows up on the news regularly, and even though Bucky worries, he’s fine with it. Steve does what he has to do, and that’s okay, but Bucky’s done with that. He’s had enough action and bloody faces, broken bones and bruised muscles for a lifetime. Steve comes home to him every night (unless he’s on a long mission) and they eat together, watch tv in their tiny, shitty little apartment and they fall asleep in the same bed. 

Bucky feels good, he feels relaxed and happy, content with his life for the first time in what might as well be a lifetime. He’s happy with his relationship with Steve, too, and he thinks it mutual. He’s warm in the winter and plenty cool in the summer, he takes showers that last way too long, he buys himself stupid scarfs, because he likes them, he orders stuff from online, food and clothes alike, he does what he wants because he can. He has freedom again and no one is going to stop him, no one will even try. Steve actually seems overly happy when he sees Bucky indulge himself, and really it’s all been consequenceless, except maybe a few unhappy cries from his bank account, but fuck that. 

Bucky lives comfortably and without regret, until one day he’s stepping out of the shower, the room steamy and hot, because he never remembers to turn the fan on, and it rattles loudly when he does. The mirror is fogged up and he swipes at it with his arm to help clear it before tying his towel around his waist. There’s water dripping down his body still, pooling under him on the floor. He’ll dry it later, he’s not terribly concerned, he likes to air dry, and Steve is out today, so he isn’t there to hassel him about it.

He brushes his teeth while his hair dris steadily over his shoulders.he flosses too, because Steve tells him to, and he doesn’t really want his teeth to rot out of his skull, if that’s a possibility in a on-flossing scenario. He rinses his mouth out and decides to deal with the mess that’s his hair, looking back at the mirror that’s finally cleared up. He looks at himself fully, and he doesn’t think he’s really payed attention to himself that much in a while, but he looks different, even to his own eyes. He’s at terms with himself, but he doesn’t really enjoy looking at his scarred body, either. It’s too much of an easy reminder. Still, he looks very soft. Everything used to be hard, thick muscles, and now his skin is kissed lightly by hours in the sun and his middle is visibly softer, his abs aren’t sharp and defined like they used to be, and his face might, might, look a little rounder. 

At first it’s fine, it doesn’t bother him at all, really. He’s been relaxed and eating out, eating a lot too, not scarce meals anymore, and he isn’t training incessantly anymore, working until he drops. A little weight is to be expected, and he can’t tell without looking in the mirror and without clothes on. It isn’t noticeable. 

He gets dressed in his sweatpants and a t-shirt, because it’s chilly out, raining and windy, and he doesn’t have any plans to leave the house. He pours himself a glass of orange juice once he’s into the kitchen and puts a piece of bread into the toaster. He scrolls through his stupid social media profiles he made out of boredom on his smartphone that still weird him out to a degree. There’s a picture of Steve with Natasha and Sam on her profile that pops up on his feed. It was from a few hours ago, their just at some bar or diner, from what he can tell, so they haven’t really done anything dangerous yet, at least. Steve’s smile in the picture makes Bucky smile subconsciously. He’s sure no one should have teeth as white and perfect as Steve, but Steve doesn’t have any physical imperfections, either. It makes Bucky suddenly, very aware of every imperfection on himself, which is far from usual for him.

Steve’s skin isn’t shimmering with scars from battles like Bucky’s is, because apparently Steve’s serum works better. Figures. Steve’s hair s cut neat, and his build is visibly fit, even under clothing, and it makes Bucky conscious of the bit of pudge around his middle when he sits down. He closes the app quickly and with a little jealousy. He doesn’t eat his toast when it pops up from the toaster, he goes and does pushups, instead. 

Steve gets home insanely late, long past Bucky's expectation and he looks exhausted. He’s a little bruised, scraped and cut up a bit, but not as bad as it’s been in the past. Bucky’s laying in bed reading a book when Steve walks in, smiling at him tiredly. “Hey, Buck.”

“Hey, finally home?” Bucky asks as Steve starts to peel himself from his uniform. 

“Yeah, sorry, you have no idea,” Steve says, shaking his head. “I thought I’d be home ages ago.”

“It’s fine,” Bucky smiles, shrugging as he scoots over so Steve will actually have room. “How’d it go?”

“Good, it was fine,” Steve shrugs. “Just another day.”

Bucky chuckles, sliding his bookmark into his book and setting it to the side. “I missed ya.”

“Christ, Buck, I missed you too, you have no idea,” Steve says, pulling the rest of his suit off and leaving it in a heap on the floor. Bucky doesn’t bother looking away, they’re all past modesty, but Bucky’s hyper aware of the shape Steve’s in. “You okay?” Steve asks, because Bucky’s been staring, painfully obviously. 

He looks away and nods. “Yeah, just tired.”

Steve nods and doesn’t bat an eye, because he trusts Bucky with everything he has. “Me too, fuckin’ exauhsted.” He says and gets into some pajamas, sliding into bed next to Bucky, who he kisses quickly.

Bucky flushes slightly and smiles, kissing him back quickly too. He snuggles up close to Steve and they wrap their arms around each other like they do almost every night. “What’d you do today?” Steve asks, burying his face against Bucky’s neck, pressing little kisses there like Bucky hates to admit he adores.

“Not a lot,” Bucky hums, rubbing his fingers along Steve’s arm. “Watched a stupid game show, worked out a little.”

Steve smiles and nods. “You miss me as much as I missed you?”

Bucky chuckles and strokes Steve’s hair, which he finds is a little sweaty and gross from his mission. “What kind of question is that? I always miss you like crazy, Stevie.”

“Oh yeah?” Steve asks, pressing himself up close and Bucky grins.

“Yeah, now get your stupid hard-on outta here,” Bucky chuckles, even though he’s certainly feeling it too. All Steve ever has to do is touch him and he’s hot all over, damn him. 

Steve laughs and kisses Bucky’s jaw, which is covered in stubble from a few days of not shaving. “You feel good though,” Steve pouts. “Please?”

Bucky chuckles and presses a kiss to Steve’s lips. It turns filthy fast, and Steve straddles Bucky easily, swinging his legs on either side of Bucky’s hips. He grinds down against him while he has his tongue halfway down Bucky’s throat and it’s rushed but it’s amazing, and Bucky’s practically on cloud nine until Steve starts to slip Bucky’s shirt off.

He grabs Steve’s wrist and pulls away, breaking the kiss. Steve hovers, they’re both breathing hard and neither of them say anything or move for several seconds and Bucky feels panic bubble in him. He regrets doing anything, but the way Steve’s looking at him is a sure sign that he can’t play this off.

“Buck?” Steve asks hesitantly, sitting back, though he’s still on top of Bucky.

“Sorry,” Bucky mutters, and he tries not to look at Steve. He’s never been actually ashamed of himself, he doesn’t think, or at least he hasn’t been ashamed of his body. It feels awful, and he shuts his eyes, trying to take a deep breath

“What? No, don’t be sorry, What’s wrong?”

“It’s not- nothing,” Bucky sighs.

“Bucky,” Steve says sternly and Bucky looks at him tiredly. “What’s wrong? What happened? Did I do something?”

Bucky almost laughs. “God, no,” he says. “It wasn’t you at all, it’s just, it’s me.”

“Sounds corny,” Steve says, smiling, though he’s visibly still worried. 

“No, really actually me.”

“What about you? What happened?” Steve asks again, gently combing Bucky’s hair back.

“It’s just- I don’t know, look at me,” Bucky sighs.

Steve raises an eyebrow. “I’m uh, I’m looking.”

Bucky chuckles and shakes his head. “Steve, I’m not working like you anymore, and I don’t look like… you, anymore.”

“So?” 

“So, I don’t know,” Bucky sighs. He feels like an idiot and his thoughts sound pathetic now that he’s saying it outloud. “Steve, I’m gaining weight and I feel gross.”

“You don’t look gross,” Steve says softly. “You look amazing.”

“I don’t feel amazing, though.” and it’s true. He feels blubbery in his own skin instead of firm and fit. 

“I can’t help you with that, not all of it, at least, but I can promise that you still look- you look amazing, and you make me fuckin’ hot all over everytime I look at you, okay?” Steve laughs and Bucky smiles a little. “ You’re not… you aren’t being used like a weapon anymore, so yeah, you aren’t gonna look like pure muscle anymore. So what? Okay, you sit around and enjoy yourself now? A little chub is worth it if you’re happy, isn’t it?”

Bucky finds his mouth oddly dry and words don’t really come out but he feels like he might cry. There’s a lump in his throat and his eyes are stinging a little even though he doesn’t want to cry.

“If you wanna work out again, or whatever, I’ll help you, but I think you're perfect.”

Bucky pulls Steve down, who flops besides him so they can snuggle up and Bucky takes a deep breath. “Thank you,” he sighs and Steve kisses his temple. “I don’t know what I wanna do yet, but I’m just… I don’t know, I’m not thrilled with my body right now, I guess. It’s a weird change and I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“That’s fine, you don’t have to right now, just remember I say you’re perfect and try not to beat yourself up. You’re you, right?” Steve smiles. “I love you, soft bits, muscles, all of it.”

Bucky smiles and shakes his head. “Killed the mood, huh?”

Steve shrugs. “I’m beat anyways, this is good.”

Bucky smiles softly and snuggles up closer, and when he rubs his hand around Steve, to his back, he might feel a little softness too.


End file.
